how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
