I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
