me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
