At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
