happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.