i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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