I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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