yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
