I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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