she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
