if only i could text you this smell
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
