..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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