Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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