Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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