quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
