It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
