I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
