I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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