I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
