i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
