I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
