everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
