i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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