my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
