what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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