I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
