People in love make me want to vomit
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
