Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
