I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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