I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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