Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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