Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
