My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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