Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize