dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
