I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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