i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
