I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
