I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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