You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
