Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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