Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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