i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
