I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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