Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
