the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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