I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
