I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
