Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
this is an emotional support booty call
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
