It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh god it's open bar.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
