she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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