Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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