i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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